Ah, summertime! The aroma of Palmer’s cocoa butter in the air, everybody wearing less clothes, and having beers in the afternoon. And the beach! Now don’t get us wrong—we ain’t interested in Muscle Beach or Frankie & Annette-type beach movies. We’re simply choosing films that have key scenes at or near a beach, and that just have that intangible Summer feeling to them. Get hot!

Jaws Rip-offs

Okay, so you might be asking yourself, “How could you write a summer beach movie article and not include Jaws?” Well, of course Jaws is one of the best movies ever made, and as far as summer beach movies go, you just can’t find better. But it’s just too typical. Everyone has seen Jaws, everyone loves Jaws, but what everyone tries to forget is the endless rip-offs that Jaws spawned. This list counts Piranha, Piranha II: The Spawning, Shock Waves, Orca, Mako, Terror of the Deep, and countless others. There are literally hundreds of them, and they are still being made if you count soulless crap like Deep Blue Sea. The group could easily fill a very bad book. We, however, have chosen to spotlight two of the more bizarre offerings, both of which seem to have some fun with the premise.

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

When will we learn not to fuck with mother nature? Doug McClure, later of the TV smash Out of This World, is the sheriff of a thriving beach resort. Everything’s great: hot weather, hotter babes, and the cerveza never stops flowing. Things couldn’t be better, except for the scientifically mutated fish that have made devouring late night beachgoers their business, and business is booming. It’s not long before people are fleeing, politicians are making excuses, everyone has a theory, and Sheriff Doug is left holding the bag. If you are thinking this sounds a lot like Jaws, then you are right. Replace a huge shark with man-eating gill-men and you pretty much have it. Producer Roger Corman made quite a career out of knocking off Hollywood hits, but Humanoids (as it would later be known to its fans) stands as one of his more inspired efforts. The camp value alone is worth the price of a rental, and if you’re like us and have just seen Jaws too many times, then give Humanoids a try and rekindle your hatred of science!

Blood Beach (1981)

Widely regarded as the Citizen Cane of “Keller who lives beneath the sand” movies, Blood Beach stars John Saxton as—strangely enough—a sheriff. Somehow a deranged, deformed killer has managed to take up residence beneath the sand of a booming beach. How this is possible is never really explained. Suffice it to say that he pulls unsuspecting bikini-clad teens under the sand to his lair, where he proceeds to dismember them. This is the beach horror movie as high concept. It has the premise of Jaws, but instead of the shark, it’s a dude, and instead of the danger being under water, the danger is under the sand. This guy fucks you up before Jaws ever gets a chance to. We often wonder who would win in a fight, the guy from Blood Beach or Jaws. This debate, however, is unadvisable, since both have their merits and you will be stuck chicken and egging for hours. Jaws is a huge great white shark and the Blood Beach guy is obviously an engineering genius—just leave it at that.

Spring Break (1982)

Hop on 95 South and oil up with Stu, Nelson, Gary, and the incredible O.T. Blaster in this fart-fuelled Speedo jammy jam. Abundant breasts, and ganja for all, and enough men in Daisy Dukes to keep the ladies interested. If you had HBO in the early ’80s, chances are you watched this greasy, flesh-stuffed opus with one hand on the remote, if you know what I mean. Let’s bottom-line it for y’all: You get a wet T-shirt contest, a beer drinking contest, and a belly flop contest (O.T. Blaster vs. the reigning champ Crazy Gut Gut). All set to the southern rock sound of N.R.B.Q., amongst others. The plot? A wet blanket mayoral candidate (who also is Nelson’s step-dad) wants to shut down the Sea Breeze Motel, which in addition to being spring break H.Q. for Nelson & co., is also party spot numero uno for Fort Lauderdale. It’ll take more than Nelson’s square of a step-dad to break up this crew, a gang so close they eat, drink, and shit together, literally. Whoomp! There it is! Kick back, smoke ’em if you got ’em, and rock out to the pre-breast implant landscape of Florida circa 1982 and give in to the dirty denim cut-off eros of O.T. Blaster.

Hot Bubble Gum (1981)

The raunchiest of Boaz Davidson’s Israeli-lensed Lemon Popsicle films. This bonerfest starts off with our four stereotypes (the cute guy, the unconfident guy, the fat guy, and the nerd) peeking in on some girls getting changed in a seaside cabana. Naturally, the fat guy (who looks to be about 43 years old) climbs on the roof for a better view and then crashes through, only to be beaten and chased by a bunch of topless girl. You’d think the limbo stick couldn’t be lowered any more, but in the very next scene the fat guy once again is fooled into getting buried up to his neck in the sand, only to be robbed and have a young boy urinate into his gaping mouth. Mazel Tov! The three main stars, Jonathan Segal, Yftach Katzur, Zachi Noy (all fixtures in the Tel Aviv disco-scene of the ’80s), spend every waking moment talking about or trying to get sex from every woman they see. All with a non-stop Crappy Days-style 1950s rock music bed. Boaz Davidson virtually remade this finger-banger in the States and called it The Last American Virgin. Boaz’s main talent would appear to be the ability to pepper any situation with bad sex jokes. Even a simple piano lesson turns into a mutual masturbation session. Nonetheless, this Grease-inspired film was hugely successful, spawning numerous sequels, and giving the three stars careers in television and musical theater that still thrive today in Israel.

Lost Boys (1987)

Extremely mulleted vampires on dirt bikes, pot-growing grandpas, Herman Munster look-alike Edward Hermann, and even the two Coreys! This Joel Schumacher shat-out flick has damn near everything. The setting: the boardwalk community of Santa Carla, CA, a place rife with monumental ’80s hairstyles, sub-postcard punks, and the prettiest vampires south of Frisco. In addition to drinking people’s blood, these naughty nocturnals hang off bridges, ride merry-go-rounds, scour the board walk for huge earrings, and jock mad chicks whether they are with dudes or not. Hey, ladies! Jason Patric and his movie bro Sir Corey Hain are the new kids in town. Their recently divorced mom Diane West is running back to Papa in hopes of a fresh start. Papa being none other then the bams-bred cultivator Bernhard Hughes. The drama kicks into high gear early on during a ripping set from Tim “Muscle Sax” Capello (a Tina Turner side man). Patric and Jamey Gurtz spy each other across a crowded beach. Gurtz also happens to be down with the heavily peroxided Keifer Sutherland. Predictably, some vampire/mortal one-upmanship develops as Patric and Sutherland engage in the best brutally sexy pout-off since James Spader went mano a mano with Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink. This good-versus-evil yarn offers few surprises but has lots to look at. Most interesting is the bizarre Corey Hain bubble bath singing sequence, which, clocking in at a whopping 10 minutes, no doubt delighted pre-pubescent girls and pedophiles everywhere. It’s the film that put Joel Schumacher on the map and a quintessential summertime movie.

Bottom line: If we’ve gotta dig up the ’80s, let’s at least bring back the good stuff. Stay cool everybody!

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

When will we learn not to fuck with mother nature? Dough McClure, later of the TV smash Out of this World, is the sheriff of a thriving beach resort. Everything’s great: hot weather, hotter babes, and the cerveza never stops flowing. Things couldn’t be better, except for the scientifically mutated fish which have made devouring late night beachgoers their business, and business is booming. It’s not long before people are fleeing, politicians are making excuses, everyone has a theory, and sheriff Doug is left holding the bag. If you are thinking this sounds a lot like Jaws, then you are right. Replace a huge shark with man-eating gill-men and you pretty much have it. Producer Roger Corman made quite a career out of knocking off Hollywood hits, but Humanoids (as it would later be know to its fans) stands as on e of his more inspired efforts. The camp value alone is worth the price of a rental and if you’re like us and have just seen Jaws too many times then give Humanoids a try and rekindle your hatred of science!

Blood Beach (1981)

Widely regarded as the Citizen Cane of “Keller who lives beneath the sand” movies, Blood Beach stars John Saxton as- strangely enough- a sheriff. Somehow a deranged, deformed killer has managed to take up residence beneath the sand of a booming beach. How this is possible is never really explained. Suffice it to say that he pulls unsuspecting bikini clad teens under the sand to his lair where he proceeds to dismember them. This is the beach horror movie as high concept. It has the premise of Jaws, but instead of the shark it’s a dude, and instead of the danger being under water, the danger is under the sand. This guy fucks you up before Jaws ever gets a chance to. Out friends and us often wonder who would win in a fight, the guy from Blood Beach or Jaws. This debate, however, is unadvisable, since both have their merits and you will be stuck chicken and egging for hours. Jaws is a huge great white shark and the Blood Beach guy is obviously an engineering genius, just leave it at that.

Spring Break (1982)

Hop on 95 south and oil up with Stu, Nelson, Gary, and the incredible O.T. Blaster in this fart-fuelled Speedo jammy jam. Abundant breasts, and ganja for all, and enough men in Daisy Dukes to keep the ladies interested. If you had HBO in the early 80s, chances are you watched this greasy, flesh-stuffed opus with one hand on the remote, if you know what I mean. Let’s bottom line it for y’all: You get a wet T-Shirt contest, a beer drinking contest, and a belly flop contest (O.T. Blaster vs. the reigning champ Crazy Gut Gut). All set to the southern rock sound of N.R.B.Q., amongst others. The plot? A wet blanket mayoral candidate (who also is Nelson’s step dad) wants to shut down the Sea Breeze Motel, which in addition to being spring break H.Q. for Nelson & co., is also party spot numero uno for Fort Lauderdale. It’ll take more than Nelson’s square of a step-dad to break up this crew, a gang so close they eat, drink, and shit together, literally. Whoomp! There it is! Kick back, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, & rock out to the pre-breast implant landscape of Flordia circa 1982 and give in to the dirty denim cut off eros of O.T. Blaster.

Hot Bubble Gum (1981)

The raunchiest of Boaz Davidson’s Israeli-lensed Lemon Popsicle films. This bonerfest starts off with our four stereotypes (the cute guy, the unconfident guy, the fat guy, and the nerd) peeking in on some girls getting changed in a sea side cabana. Naturally, the fat guy (who looks to be about 43 years old) climbs on the roof for a better view and then crashes through, only to be beaten and chased by a bunch of topless girl. You’d think the limbo stick couldn’t be lowered any more, but in the very next scene the fat guy once again is fooled into getting buried up to his neck in the sand, only to be robbed and have a young boy urinate into his gaping mouth. Mazel Tov! The three main stars Johnathan Segal, Yftach Katzur, Zachi Noy (all fixtures in the Tel Aviv disco-scene of the 80s), spend every waking moment talking about or trying to get sex from every woman they see. All with a non-stop Crappy Days-style 1950s rock music bed. Boaz Davidson virtually remade this finger-banger in the States and called it The Last American Virgin. Boaz’s main talent would appear to be the ability to pepper any situation with bad sex jokes. Even a simple piano lesson turns into a mutual masturbation session. Nonetheless, this Grease-inspired film was hugely successful, spawning numerous sequels, and giving the three stars careers in television and musical theater that still thrive today in Israel.

Lost Boys (1987)

Extremely mulleted vampires on dirt bikes, pot-growing grandpas, Herman Munster look-alike Edward Hermann, and even the two Coreys! This Joel Schumacher shat-out flick has damn near everything. The setting: the boardwalk community of Santa Carla, CA, a place rife with monumental 80s hair styles, sub-postcard punks, and the prettiest vampires south of Frisco. In addition to drinking people’s blood, these naughty nocturnals hang off bridges, ride merry-go-rounds, scour the board walk for huge earrings, and jock mad chicks whether they are with dudes or not. Hey Ladies! Jason Patric and his movie bro Sir Corey Hain are the new ids in town. Their recently divorced mom Diane West is running back to Papa in hopes of a fresh start. Pap being non other then the bams-bred cultivator Bernhard Hughes. The drama kicks into high gear early on during a ripping set from Tim “Muscle Sax” Capello (a Tina Turner side man). Patric and Jamey Gurtz spy each other across a crowded beach. Gurtz also happens to be down with the heavily peroxided Keifer Sutherland. Predictably, some vampire/mortal one upmanship develops as Patric and Sutherland engage in the best brutally sexy pout-off since James Spader went mano a mano with Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink. This good-versus-evil yarn offers few surprises but has lots to look at. Most interesting is the bizarre Corey Hain bubble bath singing sequence, which clocking in at a whopping 10 minutes, no doubt delighted pre-pubescent girls and pedophiles everywhere. It’s the film that put Joel Schumacher on the map and a quintessential summertime movie.

Bottom line: if we’ve gotta dig up the 80s, let’s at least bring back the good stuff. Stay cool everbody!